It’s not as if I haven’t had anything to write about, or that I’ve had writers block, but, can I just be super honest? Not that I’m not usually honest, maybe a better word would be forthcoming. Yes, if I’m being super forthcoming, it has been a rough year. Like really rough. So many roads I’ve walked in life, some I’ve shared with you, my reader, and some I’ve not. But this recent season has been unlike any I’ve ever experienced. It’s been challenging and correcting, heartbreaking and humbling, and mostly just hard.
The very hardest thing has been realizing this area of sin that I was absolutely unaware of. Because, really, most of us, I would say, if we were aware of sin, we’d do what we could to weed it out, right? Because when you love God, you want nothing more than to obey. But sometimes there are these things…these areas of our heart that we don’t see. Does this sound familiar? No…just me?
Years ago, I began regularly praying Psalm 139: 23-24 “Search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You and lead me in the path of everlasting life.” In my experience, this is the one prayer that God will answer every. single. time.
A few months ago, through a series of unfortunate events, the Lord began revealing to me something that offended Him. It was right up there…commandment #1 to be exact. “You shall have no other gods before me.” I read my bible, I went to church with a cross on the wall, I play worship songs all. the. time. Of course there were no other “gods”. Or were there…?
So I began to see this “other god”. And it wrecked me. Because this wasn’t some terrible thing. It wasn’t some random statue or even an obvious idol like money or material things. No, this one was different. Different because it was good. I’ve heard it said before the “good is the enemy of the best”. And it totally applies here. I had put the good above God.
I did a little study on the word “gods” from that verse in Exodus 20 and found the word “superlative”. While usually this word is used to describe grammatical usage, I decided to look up the definition anyway and found this: surpassing all others. It made me stop and ask the question, “What in my life has most importance? What is “surpassing all others”. The answer scared me. Because I began to realize that God was not my answer. I had begun to value godly things and godly relationships and godly work over God Himself. I think Oswald Chambers said it best, “Our ordinary and reasonable service to God may actually compete against our total surrender to Him.”
So began the work of crushing my idols like in Isaiah 27. Yet this time, as those idols of my heart began to fall…it sorta felt like I was being crushed along with them. This process, this “tearing down of my idols” has felt a bit like a tearing away, a crushing of my heart. But I know, I can already see, that Jesus in all if His overwhelming mercy and grace is already starting to build back the pieces of my heart – only with Him on the throne this time. So we rebuild. We re-align. Re-focus.
I tell you all of this a little out of just trying to explain all the silence, but mostly as a caution. God is the only one who will never disappoint you. Yes, He may do things that you don’t understand, but ultimately He is ALWAYS working for your good Romans 8:28. Anything or anyone else, will fail. They will disappoint you. Guaranteed. And when they do, if God isn’t THE MOST important thing – if He isn’t “surpassing all others” – take my word, it will be devastating.
So thank you for bearing with me (Col. 3:13) as I’ve been here, but not really here. It may be a slow process getting back into writing regularly as I learn to navigate uncharted waters with my heart re-aligned. But I am convinced, He never wastes our pain. And as I find myself on this side of the tearing down and the beginning of the rebuilding of my heart, I am forced the ask the question, “Is God enough for me?” I dare you to ask yourself that question. If all that’s important to you, your friends, your family, your church, your ministry, your dreams, your goals, your hopes for the future, your _________, is all of a sudden stripped away…
Is God enough for you?